So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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