and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
