1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Can Purell be used as lube?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
They have beer where we have blood.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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