My balls are so social today.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Randomize
