woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
