After last night, I could never be a politician.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
