she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
