can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
