Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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