for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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