Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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