god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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