just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
