Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
