You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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