yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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