After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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