I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
