I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize