You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
