Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
