Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
