dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
