Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
