If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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