I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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