from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
