we're chasing vodka with high fives
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
