I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
