dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize