Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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