This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
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