the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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