How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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