is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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