i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
