My girlfriend figured out who you are.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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