My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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