hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
