Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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