she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
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despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
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MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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