Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
