You're my little dorito
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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