I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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