I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
