Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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