He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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