Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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