I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
