in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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