Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
