wrigley field is MILF paradise
i permit you to call me
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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