I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
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Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
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That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"