A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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