I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
