dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
