i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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