i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
