watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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